As you turn 9 today...
My precious
Nithila,
Wish you a very happy 9th birthday… this birthday is special in many ways… the most important is this special feeling of writing a letter to this all grown up girl… with whom I can have heart-to-heart talks, meaningful conversations on various topics, some warranted arguments… its been a fulfilling journey to raise you from the tiny blabbering tot to a grown up, mindfully expressive girl…
This years
birthday is also special as, we celebrate it in a new city… Delhi. We moved to
Delhi from Bangalore mid this year and you have been extremely thrilled with this
move… infact you are the one who has enjoyed every bit of it and helped us live
up every moment of it with you… From farewell parties to bidding tearful
goodbyes, to helping in packing and unpacking, organizing your room, your space
all by yourself, to doing up the new home with attention to every nook and
corner, to finding friends for yourself and also for me, exploring the markets
with me, helping me transition to the new set of amenities by easily settling
with them yourself, discovering this city with me and encouraging me to uncover
more of it everytime… my biggest worries about you adjusting to your new school
have been swept away by your excitement of going to school every morning… you
are head-over-heels in love with your school, your teachers and your new
friends there… you have new interesting stories and lessons from school to
share with us every day… you penned your thoughts one day saying ‘my school is
the best I feel, it is making me smart and responsible, I will also make it
proud one day’…You have a diary where you write your thoughts, your feelings and I am not supposed to read it… It’s a kind of secret you want to keep… I am sorry I admit here that I read all those secrets secretly… I know this is incorrect but I am not able to hold myself back… because everytime I read your diary, its kind of a revelation… (I also feel that you know I read your diary, because the messages in it are somehow meant only for me !!)… the last time you wrote in it was when you and me had an argument over you wanting to attend a friend’s birthday party and me not being able to take you for that as I was travelling for work… you wrote “Dear Sana, I will not be able to come to your birthday as my Mamma is busy. I told her your birthday is very important but she has work and that is also important. She works so hard and I have to understand, but I don’t know if she understands that I will also miss the fun at your birthday. I am sorry, I cannot come”… Such incidents make me question myself if I am being harsh on you, if I am doing enough for you, if I am able to understand your feelings at all… every such thought of yours makes me pause, think, re-think, correct myself, hold u closer and move ahead…
You talk very little to your diary, but when you do, it says quite a lot… you have written about your dreams, about your friends, about Niky, about your displeasures, happy moments, about your experiences… While I have known, infact been part of, most of them, your diary always reveals something that I had overseen… and then when you want to openly express your feelings, you write letters and make cards. You make cards for almost every person you know, on every possible occasion… you watch videos on youtube to learn new craft ideas which you use creatively in making cards… I have been trying to preserve cards that you give me, but now its practically difficult to preserve them when I get almost two cards a week… birthday cards, festive cards, play-time cards, welcome cards, thank you cards, sorry cards, how are you cards, ‘you are the best’ cards, just like that cards and so on… these sorry cards are very promptly done, as these you know make me melt… you cannot withstand my anger, endure my ‘not talking to you’ at all… this attachment that you have towards me, is overwhelming… this has also shown up in all my likes and dislikes getting ‘attached’ to you naturally… specially on food, travel, art and space… you need your space, just like me, to do things that you love doing… a packet of chips, a good book, a bean bag and you are sorted…
You talk a lot, I say this and Niky agrees… rest of the world may not know, even not agree… but you talk a lot with me.. about the dreams you see, about the things you want, things you observe, things you don’t like… we argue a lot, we discuss a lot… your topics of discussion have now moved to money, looks, way people live, characters, habits, relationships and the likes… you have many questions on these… I think you are not able to decipher right or wrong and so you ask questions to be able to know what is right… All I can tell you is what is right according to me… but then I also know that it may not be right according to you… we have arguments too… and there have been times when I have not been able to defend myself… such times, I realize you are growing to be a conscientious person, knowing what u want to do, making choices on your own, being responsible for your choices…
The other day I wrote a blog about my new year resolutions and you happened to read it. Inspired, you decided to write a list of your own… when you showed the list to me, I felt so petite in comparison of you… my list, a very long one, had things largely for me, about me… but your list was not ‘inward-looking’ like mine… it had things like listen to everyone, love people, pray to God everyday, keep room clean, be proud of Mamma... yet another instance when you amazed me, filled me with immense gratification and happiness...
Longing for such and more happy moments with you my girl… love you…
Yours
Mamma
1 comments
Sweetheart she is never going to pardon u for you having read her diary. :-) and taking of the hope of "May be Not"
ReplyDeleteI am kind a becoming a regular at your blog spot. You write well. As, I read through your blogs, one thing that I feel very profoundly is that you are a sweetheart and a very nice person. May god bless you and Nithila with loads and loads of love, happiness and times of togetherness. Please pass on my birthday wishes and blessings to your daughter. Roops.